who will read this? i suppose i don't know, i suppose it doesn't matter.
so the truth is this:
i am on a waiting list for treatment for a mental illness.
for as long as the Universe has been, by name, my favourite thing, (which to ask my then-religion teacher, stretches back to at least age 7 or 8) i have had trouble fitting into it.
i feel like i am betraying Her because in the context of my afflictions i inflict a very ugly destruction on the world; upon my body, upon the lives of those close to me.
And i am ashamed of it; shame is at the core of it and i am ashamed of it. i posted about it once on Goddess, way back, under a pseudonym, and was met with a response that only reinforced the shame. who could so unrelentingly persist at being such a destructive force?
right now i have a great deal of trouble fighting it at all because i know that finally the treatment will come and i can't refuse it this time - nobody would take any excuse i could muster, there's nothing for me to amass and build into one. not this time.
so now, i just want them to call.
i just want them to call.
and i think, what right have i, what right have i to implore the Universe to grant me this wish? that they'll call? what right have i to say please, god yes, please please someone yank me out and put me somewhere and keep me from my claws for long enough to prove to me that i can live that way!
but i think, how dare i ask for that which i could grant myself, if i'd only let go?
Anyway. Why am i here?
I guess because i just want so much to coax this possible future into existence. i have learned that as long as i am clinging to these things, good does NOT come. nobody is protected- not me, not anyone. wellness would allow me to give back. so i know this is something that can help me be better myself in a future of possibilities.
If anyone here has any wisdom on bringing this forth...and whether i've the right to ask for it...
the right to beg the semiprivatised Canadian healthcare system to bend to my aid?
what right have i.
all i know is, i love the Universe, and i wish i knew better how to fit in it. and i wish i didn't spend all my time hurting her and could have the energy to spend more time creating.
i have destroyed relationships, hurt and worried people. for years i have threatened the life, passively and aggressively, of someone that was loved by those closest to me. recently I have stabbed myself in my mildly dickey heart with a needle, hoping that i would be that statistic that dies of cardiac arrest in her sleep after an episode, trying to coax it along. i broke that needle. i haven't yet gone to the dr's and stolen another one. i engage in symptoms every day, usually at a "high intensity". they say the throwing up is the worst. i do want help. it is difficult to reconcile that. the shame is indescribable.
all i know is, i love the Universe, and i wish to be better able to fit in it.