One and a half months in,
... and everything is going fairly well. I'm swamped with classes, but there is a beautiful group of people around who I can work with. There is something bothering me though...
I have these religious/spirituality classes that are naturally focused on the "loving power of Christ's redemption". Every class we slip closer and closer to that moment where we have to ask God's forgiveness, and find it by putting our trust in Jesus. I believe that people do find redemption in Jesus. I can ask God's forgiveness when I know I have done things wrong. I simply cannot bridge the two. I can not say "...in Jesus's name we pray", and mean it.
I don't know anymore if I can say what I mean. I don't want to slip into lies. That was never what this was about. There is a truth to what "they" say. I accept that. I don't accept that lack of credit they give to other faith's, however. We watched a horrible video about a man in a well, and although every religion came to him and offered help, the only one that saved him was Christianity when Jesus dropped a rope in and pulled the man out. We are taking spirituality profiles, and with each one it becomes clearer and clearer where I stand in relation to the community. I have anger in my faith, I accept that I can share in divine rage. If the divine is angry with me, then I will be punished. I will tantrum against the divine. For me, there is something tantric in my relationship to their God. It is more peaceful in other practices, other methods.
On Friday we will discuss our spiritual history. Do I discuss how I acknowledge the divine as a dynamic, animistic, omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent that I, a person slightly involved in a solipsist's philosophical stance, and engaged with on a gnostic, if rebellious, level? That I have tormented the state of creation to reflect my will because I want to stand at God's side, to bully and be bullied like friends?
I fear death coming to quickly. I accept that I have only one life to live. I hope that God will grant me company one day. If not, I plan to accept that I have failed to meet divine grace. I know I have a duty that I will perform. I know that I have ambitions that I will strive to attain. And in the center of this conflict I stand tearing at my spiritual self. I am like a pack-rat, unable to discard the sins because they are so lovely to me, a measure of what I have become. Obsession is not spiritual. It is a limitation to the nirvana. I see what is 'right', but choose not to.
I want an answer. I want a spiritual implication. If it is death, is my only motivation to be fear of death? Nothing of this trail can be walked by another man. The witch's path is lonely.