If you want any of these words to be for you, then by all means, assume away. I couldn’t care less anymore what you think of me or what I do. Some of you may understand what I’ve been through because I underestimate my friends all the time. I set little challenges in my mind for them and myself, and I am usually surprised with the outcome, whether good or bad. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wrote something down and erased it, and then wrote something else because a friend popped into my head and look insulted by my words. When you write like this, when you make blogs, it has to be for yourself. You can’t make judgments on it or wonder what people will think. If you truly worried about what all your friends think, then you wouldn’t write a fucking word.
I have had many beautiful days. I remember each and every one. I cherish them so much because they belong to me. Not because they are somehow better than bad days, but simply, a good day to me is the one that I own. I look outwardly towards the sky and inwardly towards the Spirit, and say to me, “I have given you this day.” Those are beautiful days for me. Those are days when I am most happy to be in the moment.
But there are days, when I am not myself and have ignored what Spirit is saying to me. Nostalgia says I’m being punished, but I know it is only my disconnection with reality. I’ve gone inside my ego and lost the realism and heart of each second. And then, after all the day is passed, and I have done every task given to me, I have nothing to think on. I have no inner wisdom to examine and cherish. Those are bad days.
Last Friday morning, about 2am, I went to my place of prayer and cried…No, I keened! I moaned with sorrow and pain, but when all of my babbling prayers were done, I had no reason to be shedding my tears. There was no wise thought behind my action. She took me in Her arms as I cried out Her name, and I felt Her compassion, but I did not know why my pain was so strong. When emotion and feeling become to powerful that you must cry out from the pain, there must be firm reasoning behind it. It did not make sense and I was lost in thought for hours.
Maybe I loved you. Maybe I hated you. Maybe I hurt you, with or without intention. Maybe I longed for you. Maybe I envied you. Maybe I died for you and never said thank you. Maybe I just didn’t care. Maybe you scared me. Maybe I lied to you. Maybe you meant nothing. Maybe I tried to hard. Maybe you were a mistake. Maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe I should have thought before I spoke. Maybe I should have did it before I thought about it. Maybe you were just for fun. Maybe I lost hope in you. Maybe I forgot about you. Maybe you gave me too much. Maybe I gave you too little. Maybe we could have been best friends. Maybe we could have more.
All of these maybe’s and none of them matter. Because I do not live in the past. I refuse to stay in one place and deal with something that will never change. The Wheel is always turning, the seasons always growing and dying, the moon always waxing and waning, and I…I am always different. Each moment, I change. So if you hurt because of my past, then you have no choice, but to move with me.
In the end, though, we are all strangers. We don’t know anything of each other…not really. We think there are loved ones and “I will die for you” friends, but as we are born, naked and alone, we will die some familiar fashion. So maybe it would be better if we never existed at all. At least I know that I have loved, even if it was in vain. At least I know what pain feels like, even though thousands suffer worse than I. At least I felt another persons skin, even though they are gone. At least I tried to help. At least I did something that changed the world, even though it was in the smallest way possible. So yes, my life has meaning, or had rather.
I do not know what is next. I will not ask my Guides or my cards. I will not scry into a dark pool to see the oncoming hurricane. I will be the Witch that I am meant to be, who works with the here and now.